Me and the box.

An email

2008-10-11T11:50:09Z

An interesting forwarded email..

从前, 有一个脾气很坏的男孩，他的爸爸给了他一袋钉子，告诉他每次发脾气或者跟人吵架的时候就在院子的篱笆上钉一根。第一天，男孩钉了37 根钉子。后面的几天他学会了控制自己的脾气，每天钉的钉子也逐渐减少了。他发现，控制自己的脾气，实际上比钉钉子要容易的多。终于有一天，他一根钉子都没有钉，他高兴地把这件事告诉了爸爸。爸爸说：从今以后，如果你一天都没有发脾气，就可以在这天拔掉一根钉子。日子一天一天过去，最后，钉子全被拔光了。爸爸带他来到篱笆边上，对他说：儿子，你做得很好 , 可是看看篱笆上的钉子洞，这些洞永远也不可能恢复了。就象你和一个人吵架，说了些难听的话，你就在他心里留下了一个伤口，像这个钉子洞一样。插一把刀子在一个人的身体里，再拔出来，伤口就难以愈合了。无论你怎么道歉，伤口总是在那儿。要知道，身体上的伤口和心灵上的伤口一样都难以恢复的。

朋友是你宝贵的财产，他们让你开怀，让你更勇敢。他们总是随时倾听你的忧伤。你需要他们的时候，他们会支持你，向你敞开心扉. 不要嘲笑别人的梦想。不要随便给一个人定性。说话时要慢，思想时要快。打电话的时候请你微笑，对方一定感觉得到.

mm... wishing everyone well..

这些年,一个人...

2008-01-20T16:22:49Z

Heyheyhey~~~~

Anyone free to go out these coming weeksssssss can just lemme knw directly via sms~ Cos i'm free after work from 1730 -> heh. Oh BUT i'm gg malaysia on the 25th and 7th weekend.... and i'm leaving to go bk to aust on the 22nd... so tt means i have *drumroll* --> 2 <-- weekends free (left)! SOOOOOooooo if you're free, please leave me a msg! While stocks last!

ok... for 1) I have no idea who's gonna read tt, and 2) i dunno who'll give-a-shit enough to sms, but HEy! there's always a chance right? ANyway... the things I have YET to do include....

a) SWIM
b) Play badminton
c) Sing KTV wif ALOT of PPL!!!!!!
d) Play POOL wif alot of ppl.
e) Go sentosa and NOT play beach volleyball (looks at ric)
f) Have a dinner wif alot of ppl.
g) eh....Talk to alot of ppl...?

soOoo... if you think you haven't done any of the above with me, AND you're free~ MSG ME!!! Cos I'm free (sorta) fOR you!!!!

*disclaimer* most of the above if you want do wif me has a certain kx factor included. so outing will probabli be 3 or More ppl heh. but leave it to me n i'll make sure u Wun b a BIG light bulb (as in i'll make sure smone else cms too) ;)

SOooo..... why wait? Sms NOW!

--------------------------------------------------------

Whew. nw tt e extreme advertisments are over, I muz thank the following ppl:

wen. For erm... jio-ing me to go out makan and turn up late most of the time, faithfully. And also conveniently being one of the first few ppl who has the conveniently free -eat full full nth to do- time to pei me do random things. heh.....

ric. for being the 2nd conveniently free person... Aside from his zhuL frantic bday rush. Oh and being erm... always forever busy and stressed so i'll feel better about myself. lol. but seriously man pls try to make urself less stressed abt ur Not tt bad grades and cm out n lim jiu abit more. Sort it out! hoho.

yiq. For a Super Duper ill-planned-surprise-which-can-only-work-on-ppl-as-overloaded-and-clueless-like-ric. But ya jiu shi yiq de random talent tt can brg us to where we are today. Maybe ur Raw talent can take e nxt generation towards tml? *pauses for a tot* Maybe there's more to this statement than I tot. cool~

And of course there's always a certain XinXin (hehehe) which I will separately thank in another space in another time (dun wry) lol.

AND if u're wondering, YA that's all the ppl I've met. Aside from my colleagues at work whom I meet more than enough. haha. ANyways, ya lo so c u guys soon~ =) *extends invite to wider community*

Responsibility

2007-12-13T00:43:31Z

My favourite salesperson in the world (at the moment cos I can only rem her) is this ke ai de auntie from Superbarn, Civic Centre, Canberra. mmm she's like the only asian cashier there (the last time I checked) I think. The first time she 'served' me as a cashier she was erm... a trainee. So she was soft spoken and very cautious about things. Like mmm won't even make eye contact shy shy de. She'll scan things carefully, and throw in a soft 'have a nice day' at the end of everything Over time she grew more confident and moved 'up the ranks' from express lane to the bigger more busy lanes. And she's now confident (albeit still mildly soft spoken)... and she's sTill as cautious and careful when handling things. It's nice to watch her handle her life and keep the smile on her face =)

Why do I like this salesperson so much? Because talking to her gives me a 温馨 de gan jue. Mmm... it's like a bit of sense of home, a bit of my parents de guan huai de gan jue. Hmmm.I look at this auntie and she's a tad different from the NTUC aunties I remember, a lot different from practically Alll the young sales assistants I've met, and maybe, just different. Maybe at some point there is a bit of ke lian and ke xi brought into the equation, but that's not the main deal. How much courage would you have to muster to handle working on a job you're so mmm unsure about? Must be quite abit. And it's been a while since I shop (and pay) and have such a erm... close and understanding de gan jue. And a sense of 'auntie jia you' de feeling heh'

I've always had a huge soft spot for senior citizens... maybe because since young the people I interact with are mostly adults or the older crowd... mm have you ever looked around at the neighbourhood near you, watched the senior people at work, and wondered about their story? I find myself doing that shockingly often. Like for example in the prize presentation ceremony yesterday the host/MC was this old major who mmm blinks alot when he talks. He's got a fAntastic voice and that makes him top dog for the job, but still it makes you wonder why he's still working and not retiring and enjoy life (he mUst be paid quite alot). Does he love hosting? Does he love the army, his job? Does he just not want to sit around? Maybe he's wanting something to do? Or maybe there are things he has to take responsibility of, like say put in a hand with raising his grandchildren? I'm not exactly sure, but I'd sure like to know.

Call me a gossip or Wu liao, but I think one of the greatest responsibilities in life is to take care of the elderly. And I Also think that sharing their stories can be one of the most interesting things you'll ever do. I often (probably not often enough) wonder about my Own parents... how did they come to be the way they are? How was their upbringing? How did it affect my upbringing? Who was important, significant? Who stepped outta their lives? Who stepped in? It shames me to say that I know little about the 59 + 50 years of my parents lifetime. A sum that is almost 5 times the amount that I've lived.

So in my world now where the emphasis on individual responsibility and friends and work and career and SUCCESS and pride and lust and love.... I urge you to take a step back and think about the more subtle things in life - your parents, your family... they might not seem extremely Interesting and communicative about it, but think of yourself as a parent - wouldn't you want your children to know what you've been through? Wouldn't you be concerned if your child was stubborn and slaps people down like flies? Wouldn't you be worried if all your child can think about is money? Would you be proud if your child did well academically? Or sports? Or both? Would you want your child to be safe and not take up a risky career? Would you want your child to relax and take life easy and enjoy it? Would you want your child to pull through the stressful times? Would you want your child to love? to learn? To Grow?

The wisdom in the world all lie in the elderly.

Results release Sess 2 07

2007-11-30T13:32:13Z

Once in a while a life stopping moment takes place in your life. One of those *smack* in your face times when realism fully sets in. When you realise what you've been doing, all you've done.

For me, these times occur mostly around this time of the year - results release, going home soon, having to clear the shit in your room. Reality smacks my face *slap* with first disappointing results, then *slap* the lack of planning and the emptiness I've been looking forward to, and finally *slap* omg my room is full of useless, bad memories. But don't get me wrong it's not like I'm having a 'oh I sO want to die' moments. It's more like a 'Wow is this who I've been all this while' moments. Like mmm reflection. Yup.

Continuing on from my original chain of thought... Reality. What do you think best describes you? Smart? Friendly? Busy? Sociable? Lousy? Happy? Content? Out of all the things you could've chosen, why that? What makes you think the alternative is less true?Hmm certainly for me it's sorta glaring at first the sort of person I think I am... and then the truth kicks me in the ass and tells me to wake up. *wakey wakey*

Now when I'm confronted with this kinda situations I think there's only 2 ways to go. 1 is to realise that I need to work on some things and get cracking, the other is to deny that possibility and keep insisting that the way I've been trudging on is perfect. *pauses to ponder*. Ah the prior is so Sensible, so logical, feels like the right thing to do, yet it's also the toughest, ugliest, most challenging path that I could Possibly accept. The later is so much easier, so convenient, so... nice.

*snap* ouch. Ah... it really is time to start settling things down isn't it mr lim? Life wasn't meant to be easy.

Challenging Leadership

2007-11-21T22:22:31Z

Just got back from Leadership Challenge II over here. Basically motivating a small team carrying heavy stores through weird obstacles up steep hills with a pack that's way too heavy and in a weather which is way too hot. But yet, it was fun.

What comes to mind when you think of a good leader? Maybe a specific kind of image, a source of inspiration? Or a person? Or yourself? Leadership over here has been torn apart and analysed to bits... but yet there isn't a specific definition that we can all agree on. It depends on the individual I guess.

However, what I took away from this little challenge wasn't only the hard work with worn-out muscles, or the little snippets that I could possibly apply when I'm faced with a similar situation in the future, but the fact that I have always been able to achieve something I never thought I could. Specifically what I'm talking about is the self-confidence that I have thought to be beyond my reach.

Perhaps I seem confident like almost all the time (I'd like to think), but I've always had doubts about my ability. Hence panic attacks and depressing midnights. I always thought that I was projecting myself to be someone that I wasn't, that I was actually weaker than I pretended I was, that there are Sooo many things people think I can do but yet I can't. However through this little challenge I realised the truth - that I really am what I make myself to be. Working in my environment - sad and lonely? Nah... manageable... haven't I been doing it all along, and enjoying most of every part of it? Can't perform academically, military-wise? Hmm... nope it's all right above average, and I'm sure it's not that hard to keep it that way. I'm a shit friend/person that screws up everyone's lives? Hmm... no no no... that'd mean that I turn everything I touch to shit - like a sad twist to the midas touch - but that's not true, isn't it? Infillial (unfillial?) son? I try my best within the range of my emotional bandwidth to keep in contact with my parents. Looking at the facts (that I call home infrequently at best) I sure am a *shake head what is that kid thinking* son, but there is a certain level of bonding and understanding and Especially a background from the past that needs to be taken into consideration. In summary, I am who I believe myself to be.

So maybe I've been complaining aBit (understatement of the year) too much, looking at myself Abit too little. Somewhere between the little boy with the smelly pillow and the little water bottle and the dude with the backpack and the 6 litres of water I've grown to become who I am, and to be honest, it'll be nice to acknowledge everyone who's stepped into my life by saying that I'm proud of who I've become. Maybe a long way from perfect, maybe a long way from anything, but I am satisfied that at least at this instant in life, everything I can think about Is so very manageable, so within my expectations and understanding.

Ahh... yuan lai shaking off dependence on others isn't about learning how to let go, but learning how to accept. Accept that I am me, and I am (still) happy. ;)

懂

2007-10-13T02:41:34Z

Mmmm giving up on 'being the best' is treating me well - frees up my time to do random stuff (like follow 17 tv series at one time) and doing some sports... that's of course what's left of my time here.

Only 2 more obstacles to go: exam + LC2 (a mil challenge) of which I have to prepare for Both. Mmm have to start rushing lo i guess or else I'll be disappointed in my results (again). heh.

As I was talking to one of my fellow sgrean here, I realise how erm disillusioned and 'neutral' I've become. It's like part of me is happy, and the other part is sianzz, but neither dominate and all I feel is the 'flow' of the moment. *nods*

Like say when I read about other people's happening life on blogs, or stressful life, or cheerfully celebrating youth entries, part of me will be waaaa i also want do, and another part will b sianz... i can't do. Mm ok maybe that wasn't That excellent an eg, but it'll do for now lol.

In my current opinion, I look at sg and everyone having a hell of a time (some more literal than others), and I feel sad that I have to miss out, that I can look at one good old friends blog and think 'I'm never going to be able to do something like that'. Or perhaps I look at people getting overly stressed out around me and scolding me for not doing work (gettin fr bad to worse :P) and think that maybe I belong somewhere else. And maybe I'm overly concerned with what others might think, like say what you are thinking as you're reading this. But I'm happy that I am that way at the same - I'm happy that I have someone who cares for me, someone to care for, to be able to do,think,write,type,say whatever I want, to be able to feel comfortably at ease even when someone I care for is hitting the shits and sometimes the world feels like it's increasing it's pressure sloowly...simply because I know everyone will get somewhere in the end.

Everyone does everything they can in their lives, not ma? Looking back from the deathbed, will you see the things you missed out, or see the things you did?

mmm so yup jy update - jy is sad and happy, and I hope you are too :P

Exploring the 'future'

2007-09-19T12:55:02Z

All of a sudden *snap* eh? I'm almost finishing year 2 in my University degree. Like Halfway there. How fast time flies. Today I suddenly realised that in erm 2 year's time I'll be put back into my 'native' environment, learning to do the things that I've always thought I'll do. Have I lost my passion for what I do as I've been stumbling along? Perhaps. Did I manage to come up with any special achievements along the way? Not really. How do I feel about the future? Uncertain.

I had this impression about the 'real world' - I always thought it'll be lonely, boring, demanding, stressful, not worth it. However, I Also realised that by holding onto that impression, I've failed to live my life. Like I always forget that I'm livING, not Going to live. Which would probably be why I spend so much time worrying about the nitty gritty details of the now - i have this fantastic dream that the 'real world' will look back on my Perfect achievements and be any easier. Guess what? I DOUBT IT.

Mmm... friends forever, perfect grades, the one true love (or the "u deserve Better than ThAt someone" ), loneliness, tiredness, boredom, depression and stress. All these are THE problems I always imagined the real world will ask me, will demand of me. But aren't these just in my mind, an illlllllusion?

Friends forever, best friends, close friends, lost friends, wanted friends, blah blah blah... are these Real definitions? Are these things that exist and can physically be quantified? Mmm nope. It's but terms that people coined to Describe a feeling that people feel between each other. SO logically there isn't ANY freaking point in worrying about friends, is there? I mean, it's great that you care and want to know more and all, but after all you Cannot change how you feel about the person - it just is. THAT is why two people who haven't seen each other in a Long time can feel as if nothing has been lost, and that is why two people who know they are close can stand being apart. Note to self - friends, loneliness, true love, all not worth troubling over.

Perfect grades - mmm. Asian mentality of hard work + asian mentality of scholars and success. Wow. As previously discussed, grades aren't of utmost importance - they are a by-the-way thing. Get used to it.

MMM tiredness and boredom. Hmmmmm problem problem. So how do I try to make myself fired up and Less tired. Like sleeping in lectures perhaps it's unavoidable. And maybe things that you have to do but can't do are just meant to be bored. eh.. bah shall leave this to another time.

Actually, today de entry, only results in one totally not related conclusion - Yiq want go enjoy urself in china jiu stay there lo~ dun have to cm back until u play until shiok shiok hehe. If I see u back but missing a random china za bor i will also *puke*. Heh. Yup so enjoy urself in china ;)

后来

2007-09-03T02:29:26Z

5 x 4.4 = 22

5 years ago (J1 de shi hou) did you ask yourself 'Where will I be 5 years from now?' or 'Where will everyone be?'

You think you could've possibly guessed what you're doing today? I certainly couldn't - but then I was a blunt excellence-seeking individual at that time. Hmm. Maybe in that respect I haven't changed much hoho. Who I am now is So different from what I imagined myself to be (I wanted to be a business man for one) that it's not funny. *thinks back*

Yesterday one of my aussie buddies enlightened me with a startling out-of-character question... 'is it worth it?' (this came after i was whinging about my dropping grades :P) Fair enough a question - we work so hard, aiming for the very best in life, wanting the best in life.. of course it's good. But when you *focus* so Intently on getting that prize, that medal, that commendation that special look that understanding nod from your loved ones, is it Still worth it?

Busy busy is a state of mind - in fact some people really Need to be busy to really make any progress or make a name for themselves. So 'being busy' is not a definition of a 'lousy life', it simply means you've got lots more challenges along your path and it'll be more worth it in the end.

So in response to my dear little aussie buddy's question, mmmm u're right - I've been so focused on being the best and achieving excellence that I've forgotten there are also other important things to me in life - say a certain special smone (:P) or my family or my friends or sleeping. erm oops. Anyways... so my new aim is to achieve the best that I can, WHILST taking note of the other things I want to achieve/enjoy in life. All these whilst being busy. *nods* can be done...

I wonder where I'll be, 5 years from now...?

或许命运的签只让我们遇见

2007-08-24T01:52:49Z

Yo - today's entry is erm... about 'finding' passion.

Who What When Where Why How

We all know how we got to where we are today...the people, the places, the times... one thing that always clogs up our mind though, is the question 'why?'. MMmm sure enough sometimes when asked we get to where we are - it's cos of erm spontaneity, sometimes it's a long thought out process and a long awaited decision, other times (most often) it's somewhere in between... we know roughly what we wanna do, but erm never how to get there. But when asked the question 'Why?' then i will erm *stun*. Why did you do what you did?

Passion... mmm it's sorta one of the best reasons for 'why'. Be it a passion for doing well (and being the best), or just simple things like flying, shooting down enemies, protecting ur country (erm...), working to support your family, working towards a better future, whatever you can think of (maybe passion for performing? ;) ) it's all a sorta extreme fondness for something, something that makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside, something that helps u define yourself.

So how do we find it? Hmmm. Ya lo How ah... how to love work that you have to work through the night for, how to love an empty shell of a studying environment, how to love life when you feel erm streessss n stresssss n stressssssSsss through working?

Funny how some people always seem to be enjoy what you do hor though... like say i hate running, yet some people loveeee running. Hmmm. it's all a matter of mindset then (n physique). But then Feelings are different from brain activity... (or is it?) so how? How to love what you do, how to find inspiration and motivation to do something you find Extremely irritating and boring?

Mmmm i'm starting to believe that eh it's really just a 'just do it' de la... then statistics will work in ur favour... whack whack whack one day u'll whack something right outta your life mah right nt. haha. Ya lo... maybe finding passion is not as idealistic as having a dream and working towards it, it's finding life in what you do.

What do you do everyday that you can classify as 'living'? Is it just eating and sleeping and breathing? Or is it more? hmmm... more action, less talk.

你在寻找什么？

2007-08-21T01:00:02Z

Harlow~ Long time since i blogged (oops) mmm eh updates updates... hmm. nth much eh looking into buying new speakers which broke, buying new mp3 player just cos it's cool, eh....... erm school's the same, the mil's the same, the cold *freezing* climate is the same. Hmm..

Oh oh n as part of the erm special programme that i'm doing i have to do research On top of my studies... and this sem I'm doing erm... stuff that is in next year's syllabus de project. So i'm covering my sem's work in a week (or rather, I'm trying to) Boo la.. *shakes head whilst working*

eh... ric got za bor muz intro! (paiseh dun get to c u on msn jiu shi liddat :P) i *bio bio* ur blog heehee' nt bad ah qt happening ah.. hehe still busy and stressed though right? Or erm upset over misc stuff.. mmm juz *drop*ing a note let u know that I'm still alive and u can talk to me~~~ not so sure abt yiq though... he stuck at the lotus garden forever liao la everytime load his blog also same pic (Eh actually I realise he blogs more frequently than i do hoho)

MMmmm in terms of r/s wise, jiu dun worry too much (this to the general public who's interested in gossip) everything's Ok... it's just that eh... erm... due to unfortunate circumstances it's abit hard to discuss this kinda things in 'the open' heh. I'm sure ric u'll understand la hor (dun even knw if yiq can read this)

Eh.. otherwise, Ok la.. I think i'm getting used to this 'talking to myself' bit of my life haha... some call it 'independent'? I boo la no one is truly alone (and hence no basis for 'independence') bu shi mah ;) It's just that I sometimes (on a rare occasion) wish for someone to eh help me bear a small burden that's in the corner of my mind. But hey that's for me to *grow into* bah... *room for improvement* i guess.

Anyhow, hope everyone (who still reads this blog by pure chance) ish doing well =) lotsa ppl return to sg le hor... hmmm start work le even (wa wa..) wonder how things are like now we're stepping over the line into the deeeeep deeep pool (at least You all are... i'm erm sorta knee deep in mud.haha.. oh erm cold mud). Searching for a purpose, a reason mah? Or still searching for a certain someone? Or just blind working hard and letting the future throw whatever it wants at ya? All dou quite interesting paths to tread hor?

Mmm yup so good luck orh - rem I'm always here if anyone needs a *outta the loop* (in a way) de place to fa xie... i'll do my best to help ;) Jia you~!

Backtrack

2007-08-01T22:19:18Z

-Abit frustrating to have to finish what people usually do in 1 semester in 1 week, but I guess I'll manage (or fluke my way) :P

-Surprises are such interesting things to handle for both parties (giver and receiver). Are all surprises good?

-Ooh got my sailing club polo-t. Nice.

-erm n ya i'm outta the hosp after a short 2 day battle with fever. nth major, it's just tt it's the policy to confine u to e wards once u hv a high temp.

-落叶归根 n 不能说的秘密 are currently tied at being my fav songs... racing to top play count

-soccer training/matches + drill parades in approx 3 degrees weather is Such a not fun thing. WHO restricts cold weather gear on parades??

-blogging in point form has such a 喘不过气 de feeling, doesn't it?

-i'm still alive, which is good

-ah ha! i finished potter last week =D yeah~!

-oh n my seniors gave me a book on 'manga drawing'. yeah! sth to pass time besides e mountain of work Or the shelf of books to read. hee.

-了解 (by yanzi) is possibly one of the nicest songs anyone sang To me, now that i'm trying to recall. hehe on the other hand most people spend their time trying to shut me up.. hmm.

-back to work. *sigh*

Happy Birthday~

2007-07-14T16:00:06Z

to Wen, to Kevin (James Ho), to Wan Hoon, to me, to JK

and thanks to all those who remembered :)

aMaturity

2007-07-01T14:23:53Z

jy de emotional outbursts + mood swings + randomness = a lack of maturity.

NS people, or 'regulars' (like me) like to think that they take time out of their 'normal' life in exchange for 'character development'. We pretend that we're in the business of protecting the nation, of saving lives (or preserving national pride). We imagine a world where everyone is helpless and engaging in pointless, meaningless education, or perhaps think that people 'outside' don't have the same strength and focus in character development than we do, than the sh*t that we go through.

BUT that is so not true orh rite?

Well, to be honest what we do has nothing to do with saving lives. That's more of a doctor, or a to-be doctor de job. Preserving national integrity? Perhaps, erm ya this is probably as close as what you can get to achieving that aim. Suffering through more sh*t, character growth? Totally not. Ok maybe some people have a better life, like say big bucks for less work, maybe having a better social life (or a Life at all), maybe some people get to be pissed with their friendS, maybe some people get to see their family everyday. Pretty much, in every component there will be someone worse than I am, so effectively I'm somewhere in between. So to put it simply, we don't go through More sh*t, we go through Different sh*t.

Hence all the conclusions from us gaining more experience, learning more about ourselves, being more independent, Might not be true. Like say on the topic of maturity. I always like to pretend that I'm old enough, I've seen enough to handle myself, but that is So very untrue. You gain knowledge, perhaps a bit of wisdom, through learning - but to be able to handle yourself emotionally, now That requires experience. Like people *smash your heart* sort of experience. Sad to say (or glad to say), I'm still a 3 year old when it comes to emotions. Maybe it's cos I've always been sheltered by my parents and my amazing friends, or perhaps it's that I've been the one doing the wrong things and hurting.

Looking back on my 'hurtful' past, most of what I have IS self inflicted. Like practically every bit of every trauma drama. Which is awkward to reflect on, and even worse when I realise that I've always based all my 'experience' based on this self-invented crisis and scenarios. I create a future, an imaginary dream, an imaginary crisis, and I blame it on myself and cry in self pity, and then I learn... from myself. How is that Remotely sound logic?

Erm yeah...so the feelings liKe: 'hey u're treat other people better than me -> i mustn't be very special' or 'i dun hv any friends... they're all busy with sth else, or they're just there for the moment' or 'hmmph... always can't meet expectations of other ppl' are allllll just a reflection of my emotional immaturity. I am, put simply, a little boy who believes he's a wise old fart (tart).

There is no basis for my unhappiness with the way other people do things, OR the way other people behave - it Is simply their choice. Love me, hate me, talk to me, ignore me, want to know more, want to stop listening... they're all just other people's choices which I've over time deemed to be based on My control, My actions, my wrong-doings or my credentials. I seriously doubt that. In fact, more often than not the judgement is based on Someone ELSE's gossip or talk or opinion. Such is the beauty of group interaction and global communications.

Sooo... no more talk about growing up, no more talk about superiority, or choice, or decisions, or IMportance. Just let the experiences keep on coming, and I'll show you how a weak, dependent (maybe even over dependent) boy can keep pulling through. That's really all there is to it. For the moment, at least.

(un) Happiness

2007-06-05T21:45:39Z

Mixed amongst the happiness in this world there's an equal and opposite blend of sadness. Surfing through blogs, me realise that the world is not as simple as every other person being happy, or every other person being sad. Maybe there is no equality, no equal share of happiness and unhappiness?

But if you look carefully at these unhappy moments, you see how blogs are just another way of conveying or expressing our emotions to our next door neighbour. It's almost as if unhappiness is channeled into blogs whilst happiness is left in the 'real world'. How often do we see someone crying, sulking, pissed off, quarrel, argue, fight, kill, die in our lives? In the world we walk in unhappiness is kept within us and everyone appears to be content with the way they are, yet in this virtual secluded private environment there is so much that lies beneath the surface... so which is right? Or both?

Just recently I've been reminded that the true value of friendship isn't only about sharing tough times, but enjoying the fun times too. Logically how can I expect anyone to stick with me if I'm sulking all the time?

Beyond this blog in my actual, real operation there are no such things as sad, sad lives and frowning faces. We've got mates, we've got good bonds and successful teams. So that makes being friends with me in real life easiER than being my 'virtual' friend. But I guess that's not something that's about to change, since people tend to wanna stick to their groups and fele security in numbers, and we can't really do that online can we?

So happiness or unhappiness... the best I can do to pull you closer to me is to share both with you I guess, the only way you can grasp someone's heart is to open up your own (I reckon). So the next time you're typing a depressing or sad or hurtful blog entry, think about what the people halfway round the world will think when they read it - the people who have no idea what's going on in your day-to-day life, the people who go by the words displayed on a widescreen Acer laptop. By all means say what you want, but do understand that about 8+ hrs away there is someone who's constantly trying to decipher ur tots.

yup. Much as there isn't anything special or spectacular in this entry, there really is just one thing I really want you to know - you have to be happy to be unhappy.

要改变别人，先改变自己

2007-05-14T04:53:36Z

To get people to like you, see you in any sorta good light again, maybe the deciding factor is not in changing the way others think, but changing the way you are presented to others, changing the person you are?

Confusing though is that all these problems are so often caused by my over-obsession with myself, how I get the things I want. hmm. Is it the same for you? That many of the problems originate from the fact that you are yourself, then afterwards regret 'haiya if onli I were....' ? Problem is that there's no "rewind" in life hor... you can't go back to change the decisions that you made, the things you did and the harsh, wrong words you said. bah.

Maybe changing myself is the way to go. This morning I woke up with this silly idea that I should give xt a call, but then I held myself back (thankfullly, in retrospect) cos I realised that perhaps that's the last thing she wants in her life now - to hear my voice. Hmm. But then ya the idea of changing myself to become more acceptable, more close to the social norm is quite a funny notion for me. Maybe because of the long distance between us and the fact that I'm super duper lagging behind sg times. Or any other excuses I can think of.

But in any case, maybe that's the way to go *shrugs* somehow I think I've been through this stage before though...hmm. But I don't remember when, why, or where.... hmm. oh well.

我怀念的

2007-05-11T16:35:25Z

每一次我都告诉自己：我要改变，我要成长，我不要再这样闹下去，我要学习满足，享受，不带有期待．

But I never really succeed.

In a short moment, short span of time, perhaps it's possible, that I live in the now and the contentment, the zero expectations and the enjoyment of living here in the now. Hmm that's all good. But then I sleep over it, and I wake up realising that I have to tackle the new day and the challenges it presents and then I realise at the end of the day that another day has been wasted. Or rather there really isn't any true meaning to the things that I do. Not that I'm searching for true meaning, it's just that sometimes it'll be nice to have a bit of a 'reward' or a 'sense of correctness' sorta thing to keep you going through the next day.

When I whinge and complain, I like to bring about 2 most common things that I ALWAYS talk about - the state of friendships and the fact that i'm very bored/lonely here. That there's no meaning to life, no point in what I'm doing, blah blah blah. But then I really haven't taken any steps to correct that, have I? It's always the same old things I type liao also find repetitive eh.OH well. Not that I don't want do, but 1) very difficult to get it started (given that everytime I've tried I dio shut down) and 2) lazy lar. hoho.

So yup it's my current life goal to try and accept the things that I can't change, not feel depressed about it, and try to correct the things that I can - slowly. :P To not stress, feel saddened by random things is probably the biggest prob facing me right now, where this comes easily to others it's a bit puzzling or rather touGher for me lor. But I Will try. Because it makes the end of the day de 'eh wat am I doing' de feeling abit better, a bit milder when I know I've had a bit of a try and a bit of a go.

In fact, quite a lot of things will be better once I'm able to leave them alone. Memories, people I miss and activities, events I miss have to wait till they're fated to re-appear in my life I guess. No harm keeping an eye for them, but every bit of harm if i just keep waiting for them to happen too. Some things, like forgiveness from another, is out of your control.

So ya I miss u all still, except here's my newest and latest edition of jy-forget-it-the-next-days:

不去烦恼已经无法改变的事．

我

2007-05-09T01:41:57Z

Apologies for once again leaving me friends in the blur for a period of time... hmm nothing much to talk about nothing much to mention. *nods* I guess 那就是我的决定.. I don't have the courage to own up for my mistakes, neither can I walk up to someone and simply just tell them my problems. But it's just so often that I create problems for myself, with the things that I don't do and the wrong impressions that I have of the world and the over-imaginative mind that I have. Hmm.

Part of being in the world is living with the sorrows, the problems and making the choices. There never will be a 100% right choice, and similarly there will never be a 100% shit life. It's always somewhere in between, depending on which side is affecting you more at the very moment.

In my blog, I write down the strongest of this emotions, and after that I might feel otherwise. So technically it is impossible to understand me just by reading my blog. hmm. Just a thought. cos as good a summary as I can give, blogging is at max 1 out of 24 hr of my life. But there's the question of 'how much is enough?'. hmmm I guess to fully understand a person even 24/24 hrs isn't enough - there's just so much to learn about each other. Ke shi , like I mentioned in several of my blog entries, maybe it isn't about how much time we spend together, how much we learn about each other, or how much we Know... it's about how much we Want to know? hmm. admittedly it's also about wanting to know at the right times, but that's fate so we can't really change that.

I wonder how many of us actually comprehend the actual emotion 'heartbroken'. hmmm. It doesn't necessarily apply only to love-love relationships, it might be amongst friends (in which case disheartened would be a better term, but it's about the same la huh), it might even be from parents to daughters/sons. Basically it's when you have your intense level of closeness, a bond even, and for some reason a rift appears between you, or you quarrel, or there's a lack in mutual understanding.

I've had my share of it. from kimchi to xt to dad n mom to wen to ric/yiq to kx... all different shapes and sizes and affect the person I've become. Hmm. But then besides moulding my character, what else Can I complain about it eh? Everything happens for a reason bu shi mah?

I realise that blogging using english translated from chinese makes it a very hard read. lol I also realise that having a very serious tone and talking about random topics make it even harder... ke shi wo jiu shi typing what I feel at this pt of time mah, cannot meh? 我就是我.

Guess what?

2007-05-01T15:50:31Z

I managed to piss xt off. Again. Without talking to her too (actually come to think about it I haven't spoken to her in a llllooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnggggg time). Now isn't that amazing.. now I the total 'pissed of wif jy' list a total of 3 people. That's quite a few to be pissed off with you at the same time. As I quote my favourite hater, "If there's so many people being pissed with you at the same time, it says something about you doesn't it?". Yup it sure does.

After thrashing and smashing out lotsa misc stuff wif kx whilst trying to talk to some of my friends (non conclusive conversations), I realise my world isn't really that bad - there Are quite a few (albeit only a few) people who care about how I'm doing, which is always nice to know. However it also means that now having thrashed out the little bits and pieces of a r/s I'm now faced with the struggle which is conveniently also known as the rest of my life.

Today (or rather yesterday) I toyed with the idea of over-exhaustion and toppling over, but seeing how my body likes to shut down in the most inappropriate places (like say halfway sprawled between a desk and a bed) I dare say I won't succeed in this almost foolish dream. To that extent, I believe maybe it's time to try an alternative solution offered to me by one of my peers several years prior: Escapism.

It is a common strategy - escapism - amongst people of my kind... the kind that adopts retarded logic and naive notions of love as their basis of life. You see, when the world 'comes crashing down' one day for people like us we tend to believe that it is Entirely our fault. Which is not surprising given that our logic was already by definition retarded and we believe in something as naive as love. So we mope and we cry and we wish for some divine intervention and alleviate our suffering. Unfortunately for us the Gods and the Heavens seem to favor the people who have a stronger sense of self and a bombastic command of the language. As such we're left staring at the four walls of our little empty room and wondering why it is us that has to sit here at such ungodly hours and wonder where we went wrong with our lives.

I'm afraid I've digressed - escapism is a fine art that was first practiced many years ago by a person just like myself and has since then been condemned to the depths of hell and classified under the mysteries of the dark arts. It involves the removal of one's physical and emotional conscious from that of one's perceived society, hence effectively 'isolating one from the world'. In my humble adaptation of escapism I've decided to define my society, or my world, as that of the ones back in my homeland. It is a must though to emphasize that I recognize the care and concern given to me by my dearest friends back home, but a tragic turn of events have required me to extract myself from this sorry, sorry state of affairs.

I also have to acknowledge that escapism will by no means be able to help me recover things to the state that it was - after all it is just running away from my troubles. However escapism Would be able to allow me to keep a cool head and resist the urge to throw myself out of every open window. Hopefully after a day of practicing this fine art I would be able to better understand the reason why the Gods and Heavens have treated me to such a delightful string of events that have led me up to the present, and perhaps I would better be able to reason my way out of the endless depressing cycle that is currently dominating my life.

You might be wondering how things can Possibly be that bad that I have to resort to such an extreme course of action - I assure you it's all in the name of a greater good. I can however, summarize how the past few days have been such a torture if you so happen to chance upon me on my travels around my dearest continent down under - I assure you it's a great story to tell. For those who miss me, do not fret, I'll be back before you know it. In fact, I won't be surprised if you don't notice that I'm gone. Which is quite saddening to imagine, but true.

Alright then, here I go, wondering about my little town and my small little place, and how it made such a world of difference. Put simply, Life sux, and I'm outta here.

了解

2007-05-01T11:13:28Z

Why? Why pretend that you know someone? Why does it hurt to know that you Don't know someone? I feel the most hurting part of being 'backstabbed' is not cos of the action, but the feeling that you really can't assume things about people, that you can't expect people to be 100% the way you hope them to be. And I think that's what everyone thinks about everyone right?

珍惜... how many people manage to get to the level where they appreciate how much the people around them put in for them? More often than not we overlook and regret afterwards, don't we?

In 2 days I've pissed off 2 friends, now I've upset the very r/s that I care about too. I look around and all I see are the broken relationships that grow longer, and I conveniently overlook all the people who possible still care about how I feel and aren't too busy with their own work to care.

For people who saw my nick this afternoon, it's Exactly what I feel right now. The point in life when you stop what you're doing and think What the hell are you doing with your life. I chase dreams, chase ideals, envision this very happy or rather romantic life in the future, with good friends and everyone's got nothing better to do than get together and be merry. WHat a way for your world to come crashing down around you. I'd much rather it not break apart bit by bit the way it is, but collapse altogether, hold hands and jump out the window.

See - the problem right now is that cos it's so bit by bit, i'm trying everything within my means to try and fix it, push myself beyond my limits to meet the requirements that many others set for me (though even More tell me I don't have to meet it), and so everytime one thing crashes another gets fixed, and my life goes on. WHy bother fixing it? Why not leave the knife in your back, the blade in your heart, the bags around your eyes? Why not let people look down on you, let them piss you off, let them misunderstand you and treat you as if you're a bag of shit who's never cared?

Seriously man - why not? hmmm ok i think something in me just snapped again. Oh all boohooo the depressed jy, we get to see him every other day, every other hour. WhAt an ass.

and for those who didn't catch my all-inspiring nick：我　已经没有理由再继续... i f**king give up. come come world there's nothing more you can throw at me.

直到爱消失你才懂得去珍惜身边每个美好风景

2007-04-29T02:36:49Z

How close must two people be to be considered 'in a r.s' ? How about people who go out everyday, call each other, sms each other whenever they can? Hmmm. Must two people be holding hands, call each other bf n gf before they are 'officially' together ne? And is it that hard to accept two people being together if they totally don't spend time together?

To grow close to a person jiu shi must spend days together, must be close by and physically There in times of need mah. Not surprising bah given that people are after all animals who need to feel love through the intimacy of physical touch. So what happens in the scenario of two people far far away from each other, and having minimal common interests, common topics with each other? Is it Really love or is it just a fantasy, an illusion where people frown on and people doubt that it'll last?

Support... it's almost nonexistent for the above mentioned r/s. Simply because there is no reason anyone that has never been in that context can understand how it feels. It's nice to have someone to talk to and openly discuss the problems faced (though I conveniently don't/can't do tt), or have someone tell you that "hey this might just work"... hmm but it's abit too much to ask, given that most people tend to need to secure their own interests first (just as I do) which could either be protecting their child or loyalty to a close friend or settling disputes with their own loves.

So even though I may at times be in desperate need of attention, the thought of LDR being such a fantasy and the near impossibility of having anyone close close puts me back in my place. The world simply just likes to shut me down, doesn't it? I'm blessed with an over introverted sense of self and an over complicating mind..like y can't I just shut down and go out and do all the random things or wild things that I wanna do? Hmm but then I can remember when I used to be like that - live for the day - until some random events again taught me where I should stand.

Maybe life is meant to be an individual struggle against the world, maybe life was meant to be complicated, maybe life is just unfair..but even more so maybe I'm wrong.. but how can I help it? How can I change the distance, change the set way of thought, change the difference, change the imptance of personal interests, change back to the wild random live for the day forget about life me that I was before? Should I change? Will I change? Will I ever be able to live for the day?

月月友

2007-04-23T13:43:56Z

There will always be days like today when you look back and wonder what you've done wrong in the past to deserve the shit that you get today. The friends from the past, the choices you made, the advice you gave.

Looking back, more often than not I'll slam my fist on the table and go "Damn it! I could've done so much better!". Like perhaps I should've tried a bit harder to be a better friend, or perhaps I should've worked a bit harder to be a better bf, or best buddy.

To be very honest with you (though I think you know), it's pretty hard for me to accept anyone into my life. Like for me to voluntarily tell people about myself, or even respond to people's questions with anything more than an "ok lor" is rather impossible. Maybe it's just hard for me to talk about myself (introvert hoho) and maybe it's even harder to tell people about my deepest darkest secrets... but then how then do I explain this blog?

I guess I've always been quite wrong about life ba. Like I'll assume that I'm quite good at something (like handling r/s stuff) and then I'll be slapped left right center and put in my spot. Or that this friend is woohoo super close, but actually I unconsciously did something to offend her, and I didn't even realise until it's woohoo super late. Or maybe the time when I told someone (some people actually) that loving someone for me was Impossible, and then a year later prove exactly the opposite?

What made my life today so complicated is none other than the fact that I AM too complicated. I go and act smart (gei kiang) and try and help out 2 of my gd friends, when actually they didn't need my help. I put my friends in a tight spot by a simple decision. I choose to run down under when I could've waltzed on through life. I choose to provide advice even though half the time I might not even know what the hell I'm talking about.

To put it simply, I'm shit and my friends bear the consequences. To have to live life with your best buddies overseas spread over the globe, to have to live squashed between 2 friends, to have to make both sides feel good about themselves. Treading on a thin line is never easy, and I just keep shaving the line thinner and thinner, forcing people to take sides, to try and make a choice and jump right into the traps on both sides, or go *chibaboom* and slap my face left right and center.

ALLLlllllll these while I've only been trying to be a smart-ass and a good friend, and I just realised like a few moments ago that the two just can't go together. Good friends don't ask that friends change to suit them, it's the other way round isn't it? I think no matter how hard I try, the smart-ass in me will always try to counter the good friend side, leaving with more fist smashing and broken hearts.

My choices should stop affecting the people around me whom I care about... my choices should stop. I'm taking a break.

Professor

2007-04-22T10:00:56Z

Hmm. Never assume you know everything about someone, or what he/she is thinking or feeling. Because you're never 100% right. Better leave a bit of ambiguity, a bit to chance. hmm..

Anyway, I'm back here again with my wild random theories/observations/reflections... except today there is none. Haha. I *think think* now trying my very best to come up with a good take or understanding or even a general line that I've learnt today or in the past week, and I realise I don't have any. hoho.

Maybe sometimes all you need to do is be yourself. Like right now maybe all I should do is type out what's running through my mind. Like right now I'm wondering how ric is doing, what he's thinking, whether he can make it out in his turbulent waters. Or perhaps about yiq and what his little timetable suggests, how his msgs implied that he's got quite a bit of problems as well, and wondering if he's facing the same problems I'm facing. Or maybe just thinking about how wen is doing abt misc stuff, or perhaps how the rest of our so called class is getting along.

I can't really say that I've been a very good friend, in that I've always tried to listen but I've also always (almost 100% of the time) tried to put in my bit to make things better. But then sometimes what you need ISN'T that bu shi mah? Sometimes all you need is just someone to listen to what you have to say, feel for you, understand you, and let you do what you have to do, giving you whatever support you need to do it? Sometimes all you want is someone to tell you that you're important in this world, that if you're gone someone will miss you, that if you don't make a move and things come crashing down it'll still be ok... that You as an individual can do the things you've always dreamt of doing?

I will try to listen de, if you'd let me. I may not be the best friend you have in that I'm not 100% there all the time, but then I can make sure that when I can/do hear about what's wrong in your world I 100% listen. Doesn't matter if I've got a test, or a major assignment, or that my world is crashing down on another bit of the island, because there is this capacity in me that is 100% devoted to friends - and that means that if you've got problems and you need someone to be there (erm in a non physical context) I can always be there ah... which is why I always say you can email me. *nods*

In times of turbulence you will realise the value of true friendship. This is a phrase I've always believed in bah. And in my fair share of turbulent times I've had friends walk in and outta my life, and I've done more than my share of hiding from the world, trying to run away from the world (i'm in aust for goodness sake) and try to keep my feelings to myself. Ke shi throughout all these walking in and out, throughout the times when you were busy with guys/gals, we were apart, through times when we didn't even speak to each other like weeks and months, in the end when I really really cmi de shi hou you still checked in to make sure I didn't hang myself in my room bu shi mah? So take it as i'm returning the favour bah...

ah ha! one thing that i've learnt from experience - It's Never too late.

爱情与友情的烦恼

2007-04-21T01:34:58Z

Ok this has nothing to do with anything, but I thought it'd be nice to jot down a bit bit of my thoughts, given that the people back in sg are going through some rough turbulent times (nt sure abt the dude in china though.hmm.)

It's always easier to look at others compared to looking at yourself. Which is why third party's advice is valued, sorta a 旁观者清 thing. But then there's always the people who look at things so erm.. thoroughly that they are sorta capable of predicting every scenario possible. And then they come to a crossroad: Which path do I take?

期待 - what do you expect?
More often than not we have our own subconscious expectation of the world. Like say someone needs to be there, or maybe to get the best grades, to be better than other people. I feel that to recognise what's going in the world around us, it's always best to start wondering about What exactly we're looking for, and why. So what do You want? Hmmm.

For me there's always the subconscious need to excel, to outdo the person next to me, to feel Smart-er, to be acknowledged as 'can make it'. Which would explain why I always feel the pinch when I don't. hmm. Or maybe I always have this concept of love and understanding, or this dreamy future that I can work towards, which would explain why getting shut down by a common friend kinda hurts too. Or perhaps I have this need to know that my friends are there for me, that my friends still remember me and look fwd to me gg bk home even though I'm like heaps of miles away doing totally different things and I don't really talk about my life much... so will feel lonely, feel sad cos the people here can never replace/reflect the people back home.

Life just doesn't ever go your way, does it?

Give and Take

Ok so now that we sorta understand y we're being cut all over the shop, we start complaining about life. How come will have people who behave the way they are leh? Why can't they accept us the way We are and try to change Themselves to fit our needs for a change? Fair enough it's a mutual thing, but is it really fair for me to keep trying and yet be shut down over and over again? Or perhaps that I have this strong urge to do something 'stupid' but hold myself back simply because of the way I think you'll behave? Why can't the world be simple and everyone speak their mind, do their own things, yet live simply together?

Feeling drained, tired, confused, have the urge to leave the world or let things be, dou shi a result of resignation to fate bah. It's the feeling that I've been continuously putting in, trying, testing water, until the point that it seems that I as an individual is nothing but someone, or even something that is taken for granted - sorta like I will always be putting in and people expect that of me to be normal - and no one understands that I've been trying my 110% all this while. It's like I give give give, and yet don't have anything to take, or rather don't dare to take for fear of the consequences.

Sometimes it feels like the world only reacts when you tell it explicitly what you need. Like cry, like shout and scream, like slam your fist on the table. It feels like I need to do something dramatic to attract the attention of others... it feels like I need a soulmate, I need someone to understand me...

But everyone also feels the same, bu shi mah?

There was a period of time when I kept focusing on the rewards, from the results of my giving in. I looked at people and wondered why they didn't acknowledge me, I looked at the things they did and wondered why they couldn't understand me, I cried, sulked, stamped my feet (ok no I didn't) and wondered if they even care. Then I ran away from the world, threw a fit of rage and ran far far away (to here.hmm.) But then, because of that I also learnt something about the way I am...

One thing my seniors taught me here was this: 'Never compete with others. Compete with yourself, and the rest will fall into place.' Which makes quite a lot of sense if you think about it.
If you think you're doing a lot more than others, you're giving a lot more, why drop your standards back to Their level? If you stop giving, and you Already know that they're not good enough to give the amount you do, doesn't that just means you're making things worse? It's like you're the lead, you're the one that keeps things going, you're the driving force the leader the Reason, and you compare yourself to them and you think "naH~." and you allow yourself to drop back... how do you expect them to improve? How Can they improve? Fair enough it's tiring and draining and you feel like slapping their heads all over with a cold dead fish sometimes, but isn't that Why you're capable of being in front in the First place? The fact that you Can push yourself to that extent? Why not hold it there a little more, moderate a little more, show a bit of love, have a bit of friendship, and stop expecting them to suddenly match your level overnight? Teach them, tell them how to get there, tell them what you need, show them how you do what you do, and perhaps one day they Can replace you? Logically if you give up, then there really is no point in any arguments of complaints... you're the one letting go.

On the other hand if you think you're suffering, falling behind the world, it seems like the world is leaving you behind, that you're inferior, you're basically a pile of shit that gets flushed down toilet bowls without thinking, then comparing yourself with others will only make things worse won't it? You feel you're a shit bf, and you think that there's so much so much that your gf can do (although she might not recognise it) and you can't really match up to the people around her, or perhaps everyone else is doing so much more work than you, trying so much harder than you, (trying to screw u over too), and you seriously feel - hey man I wish I were better. BUT perhaps you really Are leh? Perhaps all this while the whole reason you're behind is that you're trying to Match other people's standards. People work hard, you want to work as hard as them - cannot lose mah right - but what if you work Better by working the way you are, and Not their way? After all, don't you always struggle trying to work their way, don't you always complain that you wanna work another way, and no one understands? Compete with yourself - try to outdo yourself. Do the things you do, but do it Better each time. Little by little there will be improvements, and before you know it maybe you've already outshone the rest.

It always hurts lah, trying to be someone others expect you to be, and looking at the world and realising they don't care about you, or even worse that they Hate you. It really, really sucks. But take it from me bah... in life there really is nothing you can do about other people not willing to change, the more you try to change them the worse they get. Perhaps the best way to start getting the world to accept you, and give you what you need is to change yourself into someone who deserves it lor.

hmmph. ok There really is quite a lot of crap here, but then I hope at least some of it helps... one sentence ye hao ah..

白天不懂夜的黑

2007-04-17T22:53:11Z

The world seems to be one big happy place, one big happy family that's always growing closer and closer. It's like every new person you meet eventually turns out to be your friend (or acquaintance), every other person is a nice guy. It also appears that everyone knows everything about everyone else, or professes to know most things (many things?) about a certain someone. We all have best friends, don't we? We all have someone whom we believe care about us the most, (attempts to) understand us the most, or maybe willingly just spends time with us 'just for the sake of it'.

But yet everyone is different, and everyone has a dream of their own. How can I expect anyone in the world to fully understand me (or vice versa)? We can come up with heaps of conclusions about the world, we can come up with reasons and solutions, assumptions, observations, thoughts, critical evaluations, but how helpful are they to our 'cause'? How often do you go 'ahhh...' from a blog entry, from a msn conversation?

I think maybe the world is not designed to be understood, and it laughs at people who try to comprehend it. People like me. I can just feel the world just sniggering a little every time I try to understand it more, and it seems to spin a bit faster every time I need a bit more time to understand it. Or maybe it's just that me as an individual is fated to be left on his own. Hmm. Such that every time I build a friendship it always has to crumble away and I find myself hanging onto a last remaining strand of hope.

I try to give the world as much as I can - understanding, care, concern, love, a listening ear, a helpful hand, and as much as possible I avoid asking for anything in return. But there'll always be times when you feel that you deserve something. A little bit in return. But then you realise that what you give to the world is one way de. You can throw as much into the world as you want, there might never be any form of returns. Like you burn midnight oil and the guy next door just gets higher grades (in case you're wondering, this hasn't happened to me..at least not yet). Or maybe you put in every bit of extra effort to try and make something work, yet the thing (or the someone) just refuses to change.

And then I wonder - so why do I do it? What should I do?

Again I'm tempted to come up with a solution, an 'understanding' that I can apply. But then I remember the world hobbling along and laughing as I focus on understanding and forget about everything else that matters. I forget that the times when I enjoyed myself most - when I was still a little kid with my ninja turtle or doraemon or little red pillow - I never bothered about understanding. Maybe life is really meant to be lived and not understood. Just maybe... maybe literally everything is as easy as just doing it, maybe it really is doing what you feel like doing at the spur of the moment. Maybe everything Can be taken at face value. Maybe I can just look at something that I can't do and say "hey I can't do it." and it's all ok.

Now I was tempted to end my entry here - but then I suspect there's going to be talk about maturity and consequences. I propose the question - do you think you're really mature? When will you ever be mature? Do you think you know more about the world than your parents (who easily lived TWICE your lifespan)? Have you been so involved in the world of elites that you've forgotten that you're actually just 22 yrs old and you know SHIT. You know nothing about what you're studying, or ANYTHING about the world you live in. All you have is knowledge From the past, knowledge Passed on through experience. You think you're right, you think you're superior to people who, say, behave like bastards and idiots in social events. But are you? Do you seriously believe that having you on this earth is more significant than having the bastard? Do you think it matters to the world that has 6 billion (thats 6 000 000 000) times of You? Nah I didn't think so... after all, you're only Just another thing occupying approx 0.25m^2 piece of land. And your 22 years compared to even the 2007 years of civilisation, or even your parent's >40 years of getting whacked around by the world, is Puny. Consequences? What consequences? It's all in your mind.

hee ok say finish liao~ let's share a song~ (i prefer the Tanya version to the Na Ying version. but that's just me)

白天不懂夜的黑

我们之间没有延伸的关系
没有相互占有的权利
只在黎明混着夜色时
才有浅浅重叠的片刻
白天和黑夜只交替没交换
无法想像对方的世界
我们仍坚持各自等在原地
把彼此站成两个世界
你永远不懂我伤悲
像白天不懂夜的黑
像永恒燃烧的太阳
不懂那月亮的盈缺
你永远不懂我伤悲
像白天不懂夜的黑
不懂那星星为何会坠跌

白天和黑夜只交替没交换
无法想像对方的世界
我们仍坚持各自等在原地
把彼此站成两个世界
你永远不懂我伤悲
像白天不懂夜的黑
像永恒燃烧的太阳
不懂那月亮的盈缺
你永远不懂我伤悲
像白天不懂夜的黑
不懂那星星为何会坠跌
你永远不懂我伤悲
像白天不懂夜的黑
像永恒燃烧的太阳
不懂那月亮的盈缺
你永远不懂我伤悲
像白天不懂夜的黑
不懂那星星为何会坠跌
不懂我伤悲就好像白天不懂夜的黑

What's the craziest thing you've done recently?

2007-04-16T01:45:43Z

How much do you know about the world? All we know is the part of the world that we see, hear, touch, smell, sense in front of us, and perhaps what we read off articles/journals/blogs/books. Or perhaps we know by conversing over the phone, in MSN, over letters and what-nots. But the world is so, so huge, how is it possible that these mediums that we use cover the entirety of the world?

Looking at a smaller scale, blogs and msn conversations are not even sufficient to cover 1 person's course of events in a simple day. Hmm it won't even cover that entire second - how she feels, thinks, what she's doing, what she's saying... all of these can't really be covered. And it never will be. So what chance do I have of saying confidently that I understand, or am quite good at understanding another person?

How can I, a few thousand miles away, understand more of a person compared to the people who can be there to see and hear and feel what is causing all the problems and anxiety? How can I Possibly replace the gap left behind by a close friendship (and strong understanding)? How can I possibly Think that I still fit in the same place back home?

Living down under and outcast is my choice, and I live with the consequences, good or bad. And it also means that a single blog comment can slap me in the face and tell me that there is a someone that I never will be, and there is a history that will never be erased. Depressing, but true.

And worse of all, I only have the time to ask questions, worry about them, and no time to ponder the answers. back to work.